Hide and Seek

© 2015. All Rights Reserved.

“What are we doing today,” she asks.
I recite the agenda, duties and tasks.
We talk about breakfast, then…
“What are we doing today,” she asks.

We go to the doctor and she reminds him
There is nothing wrong with her.
“I’m one of four children,
“The one the doctor never knew,” she says.

Deans of Universities once sought her
For expertise nowhere else to be found.
Friends once surrounded her and
Christmas cards would abound.

On a good day we laugh —
On most I am her detractor.
Where else can one put the blame
For a brain which can no longer remember?

Not five seconds, nor ten.
Nor an hour or a day –
Each year slips further —
So much further away.

The doctor has suggested a scan of the brain –
In the hospital where everyone dies.
She does not want to go; she grows quiet –
Stays in her bedroom and hides.

I pull her out with a sweet,
To talk and to share all the things
She was taught not to speak –
Finally she yells and curses.

“Is that what you wanted?”
It is, though I say, “No”.

The feelings rush back inside –
Denial holds on tight.
She cannot believe
Her life will end this way.

Death is such a farce!
So romanticized in film –
But it is the breaking down;
Fall apart; go awry end time.

There is nothing heroic for most –
Band aids and staples –
Pins and needles –
Until finally breath departs.

Festers and pains;
Exhausted caretakers;
Until we ache for death
To take us away.

So many feelings come along
For this ride to the end —
Humiliation, shame, guilt,
Fear, confusion and blame all jump in.

“Is this what you wanted?”
No. It is the go awry end time.

I am the sustainer.
I am the enemy.
I am the provider.
I am the conspiracy.

“Is this what you wanted?”
No. I cry.

Sometimes what I want is still there –
Tho I don’t know how it can be.
As if neuron pathways both build and
Destroy with lightning immediacy.

I look at what was different.
What did she do, or I?
That repaired the neuron highway and
Brought her faculties back from on high.

But it is all illusion or a
Satanic game of hide and seek;
Tease and tow;
Come and go.

She looks sad as she sits.
I say, “I love you so much Mom.”
She is puzzled and asks,
“What are we doing today?”