Then Goodbye

©2017. All Rights Reserved.

“I just want to go home,” she says.
After years of fighting to maintain –
Normalcy, brain pittering away –
Social bonds abandoned…

“Take me home,” she says.
Home is clear, understood.
Familiar.
Empty, but for one.

One she could not shed –
Who watched –
All the struggle; pain –
Refusing abandonment.

Now so much to do –
A charge beyond body’s ability –
Emotions beyond heart’s capacity –
Knowledge inadequate.

Doctors speak jibberish –
Pamphlets, books, papers to sign –
Heart trumping the mind –
Body feigning strength; hiding tears.

Nothing matters ‘cept bringing her home –
My promise – I swore.
I am the one she had to save –
From him, myself, life, the others.

A motherly model of success – I survive
Yet not before heartbreak, back stabbing –
Accusations, acting as if not to care –
Defiantly spitting into the face of life.

After each, she comes to me –
Holds me, cleans me, commands me…
Clothes me, ties my shoes –
Sets me afoot on life’s path again.

Then goodbye.
A smile.
Eye tears of hope –
Maybe this time…

Failure – again, again, again.
She keeps coming –
As an owl to a failing fledging –
Prompting, encouraging, directing.

Then goodbye.
Concerning smile.
Eye tears of hope –
Prayers.

Mothering love finds me eventually –
Mid-40’s, caring for her now…
Realizing I can’t mess it up again –
Must be clean, do right.

A child’s love for her mother –
Strength to set straight –
Fall, get up, try again –
Listening now to understand…

No goodbye –
A smile.
Hope to someday
Repay the debt of life.

Now its time has come –
She is home –
Dying
Wishing to be no burden.

It is not her choice –
She can’t make things better –
Burden free –
She must suffer my tender caring.

Love of a child
Sending her mother
On one final journey –
To wherever land.

Over my head,
Beyond understanding –
Life pulls; tugs –
Body suffering its demands –

Heart refuses leniency –
“Go! Move!”
Despite each step of pain –
Body complies.

In dreams mum speaks –
Confusion, fear –
Her world is tilting –
“Do something!”

I wake to cry –
I cannot fix –
Do –
Overcome guilt.

“Has she not done enough?!?”
I yell at God the overseer of
Pain, aching; the awry time.
“You lie!” I cry, “You lie!”

As tear ducts dry,
Body collapses back to sleep –
Soft voices whisper –
“Give strength to journey.”

Morning starts with soft, growing beeps.
Medications, cleanings, lotions –
Grumps from mum –
Weary, tired, too early.

I ask nicely, prod gently –
“I love you.”
“I love you too,” she replies.
She knows this duty.

The TV accompanies her day –
My presence creates pain of hardship –
Questions; ‘what ifs’ –
She does not see her goodness.

Ensuring my survival –
Despite horrific efforts at life –
A fledging who fell –
Over; over; over.

She nurtured; pushed –
Dressed; re-presented me
Clean as a whistle – Looking capable –
Hoping this time I could fly.

My hero –
Savior –
Life force –
Gift beyond all gifts.

In our last days
I exemplify her great work.
Her creation –
Capable of loving, caring, doing.

She gave me life –
Not just life breath –
Life living –
Flight.

She knows –
But my pain, challenges –
She cannot understand
Why life was so hard on me.

She has cried to God, “You lie!”
“Help her, my child! Help her!”
Echoing silence –
Till I understand…

No lie –
No despair –
Demonstrating love
Is greater than ALL hardship –

In her love I grew –
I flew…
Time for me to love
That she may fly.

Never knew it was this hard –
Never understood all she gave –
I would turn away,
But love commands me.

Her final days
Grant me burden to ensure her safe passage –
Angst for her pain
Hope for her peace.

I love you so –
I cannot speak sincere verbiage
My heart speaks for me now –
I shall carry you from here.

Then goodbye.
A tear.
A kiss.
A hope for peace.